The Man, The Myth, Chuck Norris

[KLM]

In the spirit of compiling facts and heavy research, here is what I've found out about The Man, The Myth, Chuck Norris.

· Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

· Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

· Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

· Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

· A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

· Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

· The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

· Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f**k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

· The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

· If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

· Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

· Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

· To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

· Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f**king Indian.

· Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

· Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

· When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A " for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

· Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

· Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

· The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

· After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

· Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn.

· It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

· Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

· When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

· Chuck Norris won the Ironman Triathlon with a piano strapped to his back. Along the way he had sex with 59 women and one one man who was quote "bitching about his wife drowning from an orgasm." When he was given the medal, Chuck explained that he was just moving his piano and didn't realize that there was actually a race.

· When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

· Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

· Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

· Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

· The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.

· Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure.

· Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.

· Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

· Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

· Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is merely a by-product of Norris' colossal erections. This is known as the "Chuck Norris Big Cock Theory of Space-Time".

· As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated team in professional football history.

· Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse - horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

· Chuck Norris is never late. If he gets delayed, time slows down to ensure he is on time.

· A handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

· When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

· Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

· Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

· Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

· The Norris-endorsed Total Gym is said to contain mystical powers if used correctly. Nevertheless, the disclaimer still warns that it will never give you ability to defeat Chuck Norris head to head.

· Chuck Norris has been a secret character in every fighting video game since 1994. The only way to unlock him is to attain all flawless victories only with perfect roundhouse kicks.

· Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

· Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

· Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

· Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.

· One day Chuck Norris decided to chew on a lump of coal and when he spat it out, it was a diamond.

· Chuck Norris once tried not eating anything for fourteen years. Just for the fun of it. When he stopped he ate a bear. Whole.

· Chuck Norris has never been heard to fart. Opinion is divided as to why. Philosophers say that if Chuck farts and no-one is around to hear it, then who is to say that he farted at all? Doctors say that due to his high protein diet he should fart a lot but does not and therefore is a miracle of modern-day medicine. Bodybuilders who claim to know Chuck say that he holds it in to make himself even stronger. Female fans say that he is such a gentleman that he would never fart anyway. Chemical weapons experts say that were Chuck to fart every living thing in a twelve-mile radius would die almost instantly.

· Chuck Norris sleeps with his eyes open. That way no-one can creep up on him and surprise him.

· Some so-called "tough guys" can claim to flatten a beer-can against their head. Chuck Norris can flatten a beer keg against his head. Once someone challenged him to do so and he did. Five times. And then roundhouse-kicked the guy who challenged him - so hard that that guy can now only drink liquids through a straw.

· Many people say that these facts about Chuck Norris are nonsensical jokes made up to make people laugh. They claim that Chuck Norris is a nice guy, a gentle, all-American family man to whom the average Joe can relate to. If you are one of these people, I pity you. You will die a horrible and painful death, most likely the victim of a roundhouse kick, as you have been lulled into a false sense of security by Chuck's brilliant false persona. Watch your back. In fact, look behind you right now...

· Chuck can catch a bullet in his teeth. He learnt how to do this after practicing for seven years.

· In many movies the hero is shot at by evil henchmen and the bullets never hit him. This also happens in Chuck Norris movies, but the difference is that he insists they use real bullets, which never hit him because they are too scared. Legend has it that a bullet did hit him once and he squeezed it out of his arm, chewed it to a pulp and then spat it out. Astronomers estimate it should be approaching the Sirius system as this is written.

· Chuck Norris's bite is worse than his bark.

· Chuck Norris could hurt a fly. And has, on many occasions.

· Chuck Norris's favourite movie is The Little Mermaid. If you think this is funny, you will be dead soon.

· Chuck Norris was once asked what super power he would ask for if he could have one. He said invisibility. May God have mercy on us all that this never happens.

· Chuck Norris has a powerful brain. At a children's party he once ate a Gran Turismo CD and the game started showing through his eyes, and the kids used his fingers to play.

· Chuck Norris has a titanium toilet. I think you can imagine why.

· Chuck Norris was on the first flight completely run by women, including pilots, navigators and cabin crew. When he was invited to the "cockpit", he told them they shouldn't call it that anymore, and laughed so hard that all the passengers on the aircraft went deaf for about two hours. This is recorded by many historians as being the funniest joke ever. If you don't agree, you will be dead soon.

· Since Chuck Norris was born, the number of roundhouse-kick-related deaths in the US has risen by 24,730%.

· Chuck Norris sets his beard and hair on fire on a weekly basis to keep himself tough and ready for anything.

· Chuck Norris is an avid chess player. He doesn't play much because there is no-one who can provide a challenge to him. That he has beaten every Grand Master in the game for the last 36 years is one of the best-kept secrets in the chess-playing world.

· Chuck Norris had to go through an ugly out-of-court-settlement for a paternity suit when he was a young man - the issue was covered up by his parents. What happened was that Chuck Norris was masturbating and his ejaculation was so powerful that it broke the window and hit the woman living across the street from them - who was bending over and pruning her roses.

· When Chuck Norris moved house he simply picked up his house and threw it across three states.

· Chuck Norris sometimes toys with his opponent until they make the corner of his mouth bleed. Then he gets very angry. He showers so much pain on them that wish they had never been born, and sends them through seven different types of hell before roundhouse-kicking their heads off.

· It is not known whether Chuck Norris can read minds. But he has never, ever lost a card game to anybody.

· Not many people know that Chuck Norris is the man who taught Nelson Mandela how to roundhouse-kick. They remain good friends to this day.

[sharkster]

thats crazy...gud shit man

to think i was a die-hard fan wen i was a kid

[KLM]

thats crazy...gud shit man

to think i was a die-hard fan wen i was a kid

Are you kidding me? I'm now a bigger fan than ever!

There have been some new developments that have come to my attention.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as R*D B*LL.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Historians recently uncovered Norwegian scripts depicting Ragnarok not the fight between Odin and Loki, but actually Chuck Norris against Robotic Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once took sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Tom Cruise is actually impotent. Katie Holmes is pregnant thanks to Chuck Norris.

Everyone has a skeleton in their closet. Chuck Norris has 7,483.

Why did the midget cross the road? Because Chuck Norris pistol-whipped it in the skull.

Chuck Norris was in line at the deli when Ellen Degeneres approached him from behind and asked if she could order before him because she was in a rush. Chuck Norris asked her what she wanted and she replied three pounds of turkey and two and a half pounds of ham. Before she knew what happend Chuck was gone. He came back two minutes later with a sandwich that only a man like Chuck Norris could eat. It had three pounds of turkey and two and a half pounds of ham in it. Chuck then delivered a fatal round house kick to Ellen's head and said no one cuts The Chuck. He then ate the sandwich over her corpse.

Chuck Norris use to be a regular guest on Sesame Street, until Snuffleupagus accidentally ate his sandwich. Many muppets died that day.

Chuck Norris violates all the laws of Science, God, Man and Nature in that he is both a pirate and a ninja, simultaneously.

[Pericles]

I've heard of this site. The Random Chuck Norris Facts generator, or summin like that, wasn't it.

[KLM]

I've heard of this site. The Random Chuck Norris Facts generator, or summin like that, wasn't it.

Random? Huh? These are fact, bra. The random shit must have been generated about that p***y Vin Diesel. If its about Chuck Norris its REAL!

[sharkster]

Random? Huh? These are fact, bra. The random shit must have been generated about that p***y Vin Diesel. If its about Chuck Norris its REAL!

haha easy man...agree or ur dead pericles!

[Pericles]

k, I concede.

I said random FACTS, not lies. It give u just 1 at a time or summin from its rather large list.

[Watchman]

this is the 1st time i'm hearingthis.. i think its pretty good... gotta look up some more this kinda stuff on the net...