Post-Whoring

Pericles · May 31, 2006

imagine the calibre of women you could have picked up with that peri.....

To paraphrase JC, "Thing is, if I had a car like that, I wouldn't be wasting my life trying to pick up women, they'd be trying to pick me up"

To be proper, he said "If I had a car like that, I wouldn't be wasting my life playing golf" when he was testing the Merc CLS...... Merc seems to have a sorta obsession with golf.

Edited May 31, 2006 by Pericles

noaim · May 31, 2006

Hi Everyone,

A bit embarrassing really, but because of my current situation (debts, living expenses, etc.),

there will be a garage sale on Saturday at my place. (If you're going to come, let me know

and I'll e-mail you my address and the directions).

My family and I are finding it a bit difficult with money at the moment.

We've therefore decided to have a garage sale and hopefully we'll get back on our feet.

Desperate times call for desperate measures!! We're sure that we will get out

of this mess sooner or later but in the meantime, I have to do what I have to do!

I've taken a photo of our garden displaying some of the small items for sale. So if you see

anything you like, please let me know as soon as possible.

Hope you can make it - counting on your supPORT

Aww i feel sorry 4 u... if uve got a maranello (spelling error) in that collection lemme know.. ill post a cheque.. :D

Pericles · May 31, 2006

Stories without comment....

Slow day, huh?

nadskit · May 31, 2006

Stories without comment....

Slow day, huh?

Very slow....

Elvis_Pil · May 31, 2006

very slow as well...

Pericles · May 31, 2006

very slow as well...

Wasn't that posted on this thread before?

edit: Damn..... page 50 ....

Edited May 31, 2006 by Pericles

Elvis_Pil · May 31, 2006

Wasn't that posted on this thread before?

edit: Damn..... page 50 ....

Darn! this thread is turning out to be an encyclopedia of funny pics!! I never really took the time to check back much.. :blink:

sharkster · May 31, 2006

Darn! this thread is turning out to be an encyclopedia of funny pics!! I never really took the time to check back much..

i remember how we used to push for 100 posts in one thread in the old forum...this thing's touching a 1000?!

Elvis_Pil · May 31, 2006

i remember how we used to push for 100 posts in one thread in the old forum...this thing's touching a 1000?!

Yeah and 14,832 views!! almost 14 views per post!

milinda · May 31, 2006

Damn..... page 50 ....

i remember how we used to push for 100 posts in one thread in the old forum...this thing's touching a 1000?!

Yeah and 14,832 views!! almost 14 views per post!

Almost 1000 posts ,Nearly 15000 views and all this is within less than two months( Yeh thats right one day short ) Whose gonna post THE 1000th post. ??? Whoever does, just make sure its a proper "POST/PICTURE WHORING" one.

sharkster · June 1, 2006

i cudnt resist...n my stomach still hurts after readin this

What Kind Of Farter Are You?

Vain: You love the smell of your own farts.

Amiable: You love the smell of other people's farts.

Proud: You think your farts are exceptionally fine.

Shy: You release silent farts and then blush.

Impudent: You boldly fart out loud and then laugh.

Unfortunate: You try really hard to fart, but you poop instead.

Scientific: You fart regularly but you're concerned about pollution.

Nervous: You stop in the middle of your fart.

Honest: You admit that you farted but offer good medical reasons.

Dishonest: You fart and then blame the dog.

Foolish: You suppress your farts for hours.

Thrifty: You always keep a couple of good farts in reserve.

Anti-Social: When the need arises, you excuse yourself from the room and fart in private.

Strategic: You fart and then conceal it with loud coughing.

Sadistic: You fart in bed and then pull the cover up over your partner's head.

Intellectual: You can determine from the smell of any fart exactly what food item had been consumed.

Athletic: You fart at the slightest exertion.

Miserable: You would love to let one out, but you are unable to fart.

Sensitive: You fart and then start crying.

***************************************************************************

this im dying to try out !!

Things To Do In The Bathroom

Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!"

Say, "Damn, this water is cold."

Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantalope into the toilet bowl from a high place. Sigh relaxingly.

Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot!"

Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

Edited June 1, 2006 by sharkster

ash · June 1, 2006

Hi Everyone,

A bit embarrassing really, but because of my current situation (debts, living expenses, etc.),

there will be a garage sale on Saturday at my place. (If you're going to come, let me know

and I'll e-mail you my address and the directions).

My family and I are finding it a bit difficult with money at the moment.

We've therefore decided to have a garage sale and hopefully we'll get back on our feet.

Desperate times call for desperate measures!! We're sure that we will get out

of this mess sooner or later but in the meantime, I have to do what I have to do!

I've taken a photo of our garden displaying some of the small items for sale. So if you see

anything you like, please let me know as soon as possible.

Hope you can make it - counting on your supPORT

Peri... WCC...Golden opportunity.

noaim · June 1, 2006

Exactly what i have done but no BHP's!

No Offense!

noaim · June 1, 2006

Men are just simply happier people, and here is why...

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car Mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all of your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

And in response to shakirs post:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The art of farting is practiced by many, perfected by few. Perfecting the art of farting is a somewhat long, difficult but rewarding road to travel down. It is the symphony of foods and body function that causes this reaction we all long to occur. This guide teaches you the methods and mind set used by some of the worlds leading fartology organizations.

1. Your mood will play a major role in farting. Having an "I can't do it!" frame of mind will not accomplish anything. When it comes down to those final moments when its release or hold time, you just have to repeat again and again, "Just let it happen... its ok..."

2. Diet is another heavy influencer. If you're a grazer (or vegetarian as they preferred to be called) you're partly on your way. If you're older and are using shit assistance substances such as prune juice, you too have a good start. The real winners are your average North American men. Statistically Sunday is prime time nation wide for fart releases. Not only fart releases, but the cream of the crop, wake up the neighbours farts. Why is this? Have a look at the diet of a typical American male aged between 20 and 30 watching football on TV... Peanuts, chips, beer, can someone say, fart city? Its about evaluating your diet, removing the foods that don't assist farting, and focusing on the ones that do.

3. Important, yet largely unexplored scientifically is the fart event position and location. These two variables can make or break a fart taking it from a stellar world class event, down to an unmentionable discouragement. Try telling a world class pianist that they must perform standing, or telling a tuba player he must lay down during their performance. Farting is no different, it requires positioning that best maximizes the bodies ability to expel gas. Location of the fart event sets the scene and adds emotions such as amusement (elevator farts), excitement (bus farts) and challenge (church farts). Lets travel forth and delve into the world of position and location...

Leg Lift "Elevator" Position

Standing upright with a slight curve to the back, lift either leg (almost like doing the jig, except with your leg off to the side - never to the front) and allow the fart event to occur. This one is by far the most popular. Ranked best position for elevator farts for its ability to expel farts quickly and accurately between floors. The signature of a leg lifter in an elevator is the smile of glee on their face as they exit, as you unknowingly enter.

Pros: Amusement of only being able to guess how many floors the unknowing new occupants must endure. High buildings that you will most likely not visit again are a bonus.

Cons: After a successful execution of the fart, you leave the elevator and the unknowing others enter, which is fine. However, you realize you are on the wrong floor and must re-enter the same elevator. Truly a bad call.

"Imperial" Throne Position

Just a reminder that your mind associates this position with a lack of bodily control. This one involves sitting, squatting or bending down into a huddled position. Some of the worlds most fermented and catastrophic farts were achieved using this very position. Think of it as a game of leap frog, but without the leaping (or at least voluntarily).

Pros: Incredible leverage, captures the true potential of the fart.

Cons: Similar to when taking a shit, which could confuse mind and cause "dyer" consequences. This one in the car in a new suit on route to a job interview is not recommended.

Wal-Mart Fart Position

There have been so many reports of this position and its success of creating "brown air" that have won it accolades world wide. Shop as you normally would at Wal-Mart. Locate a desired purchase (at least the weight of say, a clothes detergent box) at the bottom shelf in an unoccupied isle. As you are lifting the heavy load in a squatting position, let the magic happen. You will be pleasantly surprised. At first you may point out the similarities to the throne position, but you will be in awe by what the additional weight load achieves. Weight lifters doing squats after a heavy meal know how well weight can affect fartage potency and volume.

Pros: Due to the narrow, almost encapsulating design of the isles, farts can remain lingering for hours after initial production. Many more people can enjoy their shopping due to your efforts versus the leg lift position.

Cons: Eager and usually frantic discount shoppers change isles with a furor only matched by 9am shoppers at a department store boxing day blow out sale. This can result in a by standard surprise attack and the very terrible mission abort consequence.

Power Arching

Lean your hands onto a counter top or table (or if available, hang onto your towel rack) while arching your back. If this is difficult for you to visualize, think back to your last visit to the car repair shop. Similar to the "ass pounding" position you take when getting the quote to have your car's transmission replaced. Power arching is excellent for "customer service" counters at department stores; local Radio Shack stores when reaching over and examining an expensive and ridiculous keychain that has a flashlight, time telling in 12 languages, compass and calculator all in one; a supermarket you do not usually visit.

Pros: The arching of the back allows your power conduit to be fully utilized. Less conspicuous than the Throne Position.

Cons: A warning to people with small houses or apartments: power arching in the small confines of a room in your house has been known to cause carpet, wall and even ceiling damage. Even more so, lasting damage to newly blossoming relationships with girlfriends and not so blossoming marriages.

All positions and locations have their pros and cons, it is the duty of an aspiring fart master to leverage the situations and environments available to him or her. With a bit of thoughtful planning you can start off the day with some power arching in the library; do a bit of leg lifting at the food court for lunch; and wind up the day with an all out assault on your senses with a satisfying throne position fart in the car on the way home. Remember, its all about position, location and a "can-do" attitude!

Pericles · June 1, 2006

And in response to shakirs post:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The art of farting is practiced by many, perfected by few. Perfecting the art of farting is a somewhat long, difficult but rewarding road to travel down.

I'm in tears man laughing so hard ...

noaim · June 1, 2006

I'm in tears man laughing so hard ...

My work for today is done!

noaim · June 1, 2006

This is the definitive survival guide for taking that all important dump at work...

ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a dump in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car while speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)

When forcing a dump, several farts slip out at machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the toilet to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the turd hits the water and the log is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the turd has to stink up the toilet. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall to the sink to the door after you have just stunk-up the toilet. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

OUT OF CLOSET DUMPER (OCD)

A colleague who dumps at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OCD enter the toilet with a newspaper, a magazine or a large work document under their arm and takes invariably long to dump. Always look around the office for the missing OCD before entering the toilet.

THE DUMPING FRIENDS NETWORK (DFN)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency dumping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OCDs and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN

A seldom used toilet somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a dumper of your sex or other assorted DFNs and OCDs entering the toilet.

TURD BURGLAR

A dumper who does not realise that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur in mid-dump at work. If this happens, do not say anything (a short Camo-Cough is ok) and remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR gives up or leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

A phoney cough which alerts all new entrants to the toilet that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the toilet immediately so the dumper can dump in peace.

WATERMELON

A log that creates a deep loud splash when hitting the water level. This is also an embarrassing occurrence. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a synchronised diversion, see CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELLETE

A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the water. Often followed by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE in sync.

UNCLE TED

A toilet user who seems to linger forever. Could spend an immoderate length of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the can. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the can. Consider waiting to take a dump until the toilet is empty. This benefits you as well as the other attendees.

FLY BY

The act of scouting a toilet before dumping. Walk in and check for other dumpers. If there are others in the toilet, leave and come back later. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly popping into the toilet even if it is just to check it out.

CRACK WHORE

A toilet bowl that has seen more arse than a Metro Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubic hair, urine stains and log streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans that particular toilet. Although a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

sharkster · June 1, 2006

This is the definitive survival guide for taking that all important dump at work...

i have this list too...AND i use it

noaim · June 1, 2006

i have this list too...AND i use it

You have eh.. and u use it eh...

U might find this very interesting...

Tho some might get offended sowwy..

I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you haven't you need more fiber.....

The Perfect Dump

Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump

Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)

Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".

The Empty Roll Dump

Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

The Splash Back Dump

This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.

The Childbirth Dump

This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

The Machine Gun Dump

Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump

You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.

The Cling-On Dump

You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......

The Whole Roll Dump

No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.

The Encore Dump

Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....

The Houdini Dump

You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

sharkster · June 1, 2006

You have eh.. and u use it eh...

U might find this very interesting...

Tho some might get offended sowwy..

I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you haven't you need more fiber.....

ok dude dats enuf...my stomach is killing

noaim · June 1, 2006

Can people really be this stupid?

1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that I could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

7. My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

8. Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency.